Updated: Sep 14
When we feel positive emotions we are then in a state of pleasure, then we are in the mood, smiling, in one word we enjoy. Then we have no need to change it. However, when feelings that are less pleasant occur, we sometimes find ourselves trapped in ignorance of how to deal with such feelings.
These seven steps that we will talk about today refer to those feelings that bother us, so some "negative" feelings, those feelings that hinder us and make us a problem.
We are taught enough to deny our feelings. This denial of feelings leads to the state that feelings do not exist, but they are very real. Reality is the strongest weapon to progress. Why do we refuse to feel any emotions? In childhood, our models are our parents and we imitate them, even imitate them. Parents may react differently to some emotions than they should (don't feel that emotion) where we as children adopt that pattern of behavior (don't forget your parents used to be children too!). Also, the influence of the culture in which we live also has some expectations regarding emotions, for example that men are the stronger sex than women and that women are allowed to cry while for a man it would be a shame. When bad feelings occur, the basic step is to accept them and recognize them.
What part of me reacts to suffering?
What part of me suffers? This is a rhetorical question you should ask yourself. We use it when negative emotions occur to get in touch with our inner selves. Pause for a moment and reconstruct the event that caused the bad feelings to get better acquainted with what caused such feelings. Self-analysis is the best technique for getting to know yourself.
Which word best describes my feelings?
Sometimes we need to find the best possible word that will describe exactly how we feel. Most often we use descriptions such as stupid, ugly, I don't know, unwanted, wrong ... Our impressions of ourselves sometimes focus on the conclusions we make about ourselves as we are, rather than describing how we feel. When you catch yourself making some statements about yourself such as "I'm not good enough", "see what I'm like", "it's impossible to love me", it's important to find out what emotion is behind such statements. Sometimes it happens that others make such statements to you, the moment you understand in yourself what emotion caused such a statement in you, you understand and that is why other people need to make such a statement.
What happened in the recent past that triggered that feeling?
The triggers of our feelings are concrete events in the recent past. Also, memories of some events can trigger in us how we felt then.
Connecting memories and feelings are an individual thing for each of us, because of our unique life stories. What makes one person sad will make another happy.
The trigger for the here-and-now is triggered by old feelings that are in a transaction with another person. Who said what to whom? In what tone?
You can reconstruct the moment when you became aware of your pain.
How do I talk to my inner self?
Visualizations are one of the tools for recognizing our feelings. Try to visualize yourself now and yourself from the past and how that conversation goes about what you have to say to your past self and what it tells you.
If the visualization does not work for you, try the following technique.
Sit comfortably, you can lie down or sit, open your eyes and be aware of your bodily sensations. As with the meditation technique in yoga, relaxing part by part of the body. If you indulge the emotions of the past can overwhelm you, indulge them, let them lead you.
What can I do differently now?
When you have decided on this step of change, you are already doing something different. What do we do differently? With the help of these previous steps, we gathered a lot of information about our events, ourselves and our feelings.
We often accumulate feelings of hurt, "put them under the rug" and get rid of them. A better option would be to resolve those feelings of hurt by talking. First, start the conversation with the statement: "I feel bad after we talked this morning, I don't think you were fair to me." Try to express your feelings to others, you will be surprised how many people react positively when you honestly express to them how you felt.
We can deal with our feelings by remembering the steps that helped us reach them. The next time we feel it, we'll remember, "Early, I've been through all this." When we master these seven steps, we will build a growing corpus of insights about our weak points and strengths.
What can I do in the next situation?
This question leads us to consider that we are the ones setting the situation to feel hurt. At this stage, it is important to go back to step four and to examine for ourselves what role we played, whether we played the role of a victim (on the blog Drama Triangle: The games we play, see more about the roles they play
These seven steps allow you to search for the core of your bad feelings, you lead your search which allows you to learn the process so that later you can apply these techniques without thinking. Exercise is very important because in the beginning you will not be able to immediately recognize all the feelings, but by practicing these steps you will reach the goal.